Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
