You surviving the open bar?
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I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
