Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
