My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
