i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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