Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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