WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
