I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
