Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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