You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
