so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
