Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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