I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
