Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Found the puke drawer
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
