I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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