Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
