A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
