how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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