using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
