I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
