I think i peed on brittanys purse
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
