The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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