What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
