My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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