i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
