I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
