you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
