Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
