they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
