Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
