you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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