people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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