I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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