I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
