I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
