Just fell off a train. Bad.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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