So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
