I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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