I accidentally had phone sex last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
