My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
