YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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