I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
