Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
