my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
