Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
