He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
