Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
