I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
