nut hugger
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
