I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize