ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
