i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
