How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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