he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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