Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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