Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
