I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
