if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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