If that was your dad, he is hot
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
