i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
