Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
