Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
