i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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