I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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