I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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